Film Review - Madame Web
Images courtesy of Sony Pictures.
Let me tell you how this all began. I was in Hoyts Melbourne Central with my popcorn researching the Sony Spiderman universe just before cinema died. It wasn't a sudden, explosive death, but rather the slow, silent type. The Sonyverse has creaked along since the very first trailer for 2018’s Venom dropped, one that was notable for not even featuring the titular character, instead looking more like a generic sci-fi thriller. And while I actually didn't mind either of those films - mostly thanks to Tom Hardy’s committed performance and a fun dynamic between the stuttering reporter and his symbiotic alien goop - it seems clearer than ever with the release of Madame Web that Sony is ashamed to have to keep making these films just to keep their Spider-Man rights. They toned down Venom to stop it from being R-rated in hopes of a future face-off against Tom Holland’s Spidey, Morbius - despite Jared Leto’s casting - couldn't commit to being a movie about a bloodsucking parasite, and now Madame Web isn't even really a superhero film.
Following Dakota Johnson’s 30-something year old Cassandra Webb, the film ostensibly takes place in the year 2003. Cassie is a paramedic who, after a near-death experience, begins to see visions of the future, which seemingly lead her towards “teenagers” Julia Cornwall, Anya Corazon, and Mattie Franklin, played by Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O’Connor respectively. Meanwhile, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) plots to kill the teens, plagued by visions of his own demise. It's worth noting that these visions are the only times we see any of the future Spider-Women in costume, or even with powers, for that matter, whereas Sims dons a black-and-red suit that looks very much inspired by Spider-Man, despite the fact that there is still no Spidey in this universe (yet).
The narrative arc of Madame Web is bizarre, to say the least. Lots of things happen, but outside of moments like Uncle Ben's reveal (it saddens me greatly to know that Adam Scott will be killed in this iteration of the Spiderman universe) and the absolute masterpiece of a line “if you take on the responsibility, great power will come”, very little sticks in mind. It's both overly complicated and unremarkable, like a spider web designed specifically not to catch any flies. The stakes are knee-high at best, and with an embarrassing lack of chemistry between its characters, it’s not like it really works as a hangout movie either (not that I think Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, writers of Morbius, Dracula Untold, and The Last Witch Hunter have any idea about cultivating vibes). This all culminates in a final act showdown that sees Cassie randomly gain the power to split into three separate ghosts, while the villain is defeated by perhaps the most egregiously inserted piece of product placement this side of the Transformers franchise, calling to mind the IHOP destruction scene in Man of Steel. Dakota Johnson does her best with the few beats of intentional humor, and her detached, calm mannerisms do make the experience go down far easier than any of the writer duo’s previous films.
Tahar Rahim’s villain, on the other hand, is woefully boring, and it's during scenes with him that I felt my Morb-induced PTSD kicking in. Of course, it doesn't help that many of his scenes are poorly overdubbed, and revolve around him ordering poor Zosia Mamet’s hacker character to use facial recognition to track the young women, with technology that not even CSI was pretending existed in 2003. Picking this specific year for the film seems particularly obsolete, which despite being set in NYC, never once has any of its characters express even the faintest of post-9/11 anxieties, and the few period details that do exist are haphazardly tacked on. Johnson ADRs a line about having to get home in time to watch American Idol, a man on the subway idly plays with his obligatory Sony product placement PlayStation Portable (a console that wasn't released in North America until 2005), and Britney Spears’ 2004 pop banger Toxic gets an especially awkward diner table dance scene.
The cards were stacked against this film from the start, with a single abysmal trailer featuring the bulk of the “exciting” action (set to Billie Eilish’s Bury a Friend, admittedly better suited here than as the opener to True Detective: Night Country) failing to garner much in the way of noticeable hype. Of course, myself and a few others were eagerly awaiting the next helping of slop, and it scratches a previously unbeknownst itch to see Marvel and DC hastily rearranging schedules to compensate for various setbacks while Sony trudges valiantly forward into oblivion, seemingly impervious to box office numbers or critical reception (see you all there opening night for Kraven the Hunter).
While my initial statements and overall tone may come off as needlessly bleak, I do wish to stress that I had quite a good time watching Madame Web. It's just the right blend of bad and confusing filmmaking, never quite finding a happy medium between corporate meddling and the naïve misguidedness of a first time director. There are handheld zooms, whip-pans and angular dollies used with such reckless abandon that at times it looks like a bizarro episode of The Office, and at other points like a Brian De Palma horror film. This frenetic yet unmotivated style makes the first hour or so fly by, until someone must've told the camera operator to chill the fuck out.
It's a shame that the film, unlike its titular protagonist, is unable to see the future for Sony, because from where I’m standing, it's not looking very bright. As funny as Madame Web is with its Peruvian magical spider-people, random jumpscare editing, and Sydney Sweeney's frankly humiliating outfits, it feels less like an adaptation of its supercharged source material and more like a camp icon forced to cosplay as a limp suspense thriller.
Follow Eli on Letterboxd, Twitter and Instagram.
Madame Web is screening in cinemas from Wednesday 14th February. For tickets and more info, click here.